Project #1: look for something you wrote years back

While scavenging my stuff in my room this weekend, i found this small notebook which i kept and wrote my thoughts on. This is what i wrote when i was 18. Then i remembered the book 52 projects.  It is a list of 52 random stuff you may do for nothing. hahaha. anyways, below is what i wrote.

I’m incomplete though i would like to believe I’m not. I am weak though I would like to believe I am strong. I am the worst but I convince myself I’m perfectly ok and somehow at my best.

I thought it is great to in the pedestal. I thought it would feel so good to be up high. Yes, there’s this joy but with certain sadness. It is a package I guess.

Nothing is really perfect, nothing would ever come in a perfect way. All things come in complication and no success could just be handed in. No turnovers and no exchagne. That is one rule I have learned.

Living on earth for almost 18 years makes me feel anxious. So anxious about what I should do with my stay. I feel that my time is really really short, my life is really really short.

I’m dreaming to become the best just like what everyone wanted. It is hard to fight in a battle if my sword is short and my shield is brittle. It is even harder if the soldier wasn’t trained to endure the pain and hardships.

I’m crying inside, I know, because i failed my family, i failed myself. My tears aren’t enough to ease the pain from the wounds i’ve got from falling. It is so deep that I’m afraid that even time might not be powerful enough to heal it.

But I can’t just cry. I can’t just cry and sit until the battle ends. I couldn’t wait. I have to do something.

I’m so restless. So tired of dealing with the world’s game. Playing it made me stumble and maybe sturdy in some ways. I don’t know what is waiting for me at the end but I’m hoping that it is something I could be proud of.

I’m still far from the nearest possible pit stop. I’m losing grip but I can’t stop. I just can’t give up.

I think I wrote this when i just failed my Math17 (College Algebra and Trigonometry). It was my first time to ever fail a subject my entire life and it really felt like it was the end of everything for me. I think I isolated myself from all my friends and punished myself by doing all the household chores the whole summer. I was that depressed! hahaha. looking back, my Math17 failure somehow made me realize that not all things will come easily for me. I wasn’t a believer of hardwork until that time.

funny, fruitful lunch out

me and my officemates went out for lunch at rcbc plaza. one of them just decided to treat me and the other to lunch because we’re giving so much kindness daw. or maybe it was just so sweet of him to do so.

anyways, we chose piquant. i don’t really know what cuisine of food they are serving but they are good, and healthy. and they say, it is where the white people eat. true enough, literally, they do eat there.

surprisingly, the person beside me happened to be the former prime minister of the country during President Marcos’ time. hahaha…funny

we just talked about sooo many things, like seeing the world in a new light, building friendships and relationships with others, choosing one’s battles, and basically never ending looking for our daily happy pills.

redefining destiny

ive asked for signs. and it was given but the results were not. oh well, maybe i should just traverse a new desitny. i just wonder why i have to be lead on forever…sigh…is that my role in life?

For the lack of courage?

I grew up at my grandmother’s house. As the first grandchild I must say I’m a little bit spoiled. But I didn’t grow being a bully. Instead I grew up gullible, sensitive and scared. At first I would really cry on my first days of school. I always ask why my mom or dad will just bring me to school then leave me afterwards while my classmates’ parents waited outside smiling and waving at their children. At the end of the first days, I look for my service who my parents hired to bring me home and pick me up in the mornings for school.

 

My friends are different every year because in my school, we change our sections yearly. So there’s a very little chance of having your old set of classmates back again the next year. I’m not the outgoing type in my younger years. I declined every invitation by friends then because I prefer to be alone. Or not really maybe because I was scared to socialize. Worries like they might not like me started to fill my thinking clouds. Everyone had their fair share of insecurities I guess. And a lot don’t get over it most of the time until they grow up.

 

I entered the real world with so much things going on in my head. I’m not a cum laude material at all so I’m sacred to death that I won’t get a job soon after graduation. I also thought that equal opportunities are given to fresh grads in spite the honors, the name of the universities they came from etc. But through luck or whatever else, I managed to get a job on my own without the help of some influential relatives. As I began working, I treated everyone with the same respect expecting that every college graduate knows how to communicate well. I thought it was ok to talk in the English language even in very casual conversations. I never knew it offends others until my attention was caught by a friend. I’m not a perfect speaker but at the least I know if I sounded wrong.

 

Little did I know that more often than not, in spite the education, the ability to communicate is not as properly developed for everyone. I realized that the way you communicate is a result of your past interactions with other people. With that insight, I became very interested in meeting and interacting with people from all walks of life. I became a lot more confident than I was in my elementary and prep school days. My parents now often complain about my social interactions with a lot of people who later on became my friends. I’m just learning a lot from what they say.

 

As for that friend who told me that he always hears me and my other friend talking in English and that he’s somehow annoyed he even sounded defensive saying that he too can speak that well. I told him that I can always adjust. I can become like whoever I am interacting with. It’s not flaunting or anything, it’s really doing what you think is comfortable for you and the person you’re interacting with.

lost

ok! lately i have been surprised with a lot of news. shocking news from a friend.

fine she has a lot of frustrations lately. and those frustrations led her to jump onto hasty decisions which i dont know if its going to help her. but her family supported her big decision. so it must do her good. its just scary that she’s going in far place, alone with a bunch of strangers. what’s out there anyway?

how can she be so decisive when i feel like she’s just trying to escape her reality. haaaay im just scared for her. but ill pray for her really hard! she’s just confused and lost. i hope she finds whatever it is she’s looking for in the sands and waters of her destination.